t-22.5 hours

Still holding fast here on the homefront. My cousin St offered sage advise as an apprentice sommelier to choose the wine for tonight’s festivities. I had asked for a recommendation for white in the $40 range, which turned into a 20 minute conversation on a cell phone in the liquor store about regions and methods and all kinds of other stuff. We ended up with a French Chablis (Premier Cru). It’s nice, but I know nothing of wine. He said, near the end of the conversation, that he didn’t often buy $40 bottles of wine for pure drinking pleasure, but that he’d never had such an occasion. Come to think of it… it seems odd that an apprentice sommelier hasn’t drank a $40 bottle of wine for pleasure.

Today was pretty low key. Yesterday M found out that he had to have his kit packed for transport, he was expecting to have until Monday to do so. So while I was out walking, he was packing frantically. So today saw him cleaning up the back room (!!!), and packing the bag that will accompany him on the service flight.
I headed into town to grab sushi (which didn’t happen), the wine, and some munchies.

While waiting at a light backed up due to construction, I saw some guys my age holding a sign saying “traveling, broke & hungry, will accept anything you offer”. I had a bag of cookies in my car and as I was rooting around the bag to get them out, the light changed and traffic started moving. I didn’t have time to get the bag of cookies or my window open to give the bag to these two guys before I had to pull ahead. I have felt bad ever since, thinking I should have done more to help them out.

I don’t know how much longer this ‘strength’ can hold up. I think things and I can feel the tears welling up. I force it back down, but then the next time I feel it welling up, it takes so much more effort to force it back down. Eventually I’ll let the dam break, but for the time being…

I got a sneak peek from our photographer yesterday. The photos are amazing! She’s only sent 8 or so, but they’re amazing and I can’t wait to see the rest of the set!

Here’s something. I don’t need people “awwww”ing and “poor you”ing at me because my partner’s going overseas. I’ve thought of the worst that can happen. Hell, M and I have discussed contingency plans for the worst that can happen. I don’t need, when waiting to see him off, anyone calling me saying “boo hoo, you must be so sad”. Yes, I’m sad. Yes, I’ll miss him. Yes, I’m worried for his safety. But this is his job,  this is the life that I’ve chosen with him. And this is where I’ll be waiting for him upon his safe return.

Now, just to focus on not holding my breath for the next 3 months.

Comon’ HLTA!

h&v

the pretender

Sometimes you’re talking, chatting, musing with someone and something falls out of your mouth/off the tips of your fingers that is so True, you have to stop and wonder at it.

I called an old work friend from back home. Let her know M was departing. She was there for the beginning, she gave us her blessing and has been one of the few, surprisingly, to keep in touch despite distance. After chatting with her for a while I facebook chatted with another old coworker from the same company. As we were chatting I put it out there that “going with the flow” was the way of the military spouse. She replied, “I guess so… I don’t know how you do it… you’re so strong“.

I’ve written many times about how much I hate that word. But today I think I nailed the reason why. I said to her, in explanation of why I hate being called strong (and I quote), “ever since Dad died, and people called me “strong”, its weird. It’s like people don’t understand the effort it takes to behave normally in the face of grief, in dad’s case, or sheer panic in the case of M…”
The greatest part was, this ex-co-worker of mine is a chatty one. The entirety of her response was, “Wow… this has never happened before. I’m literally speechless.” I sent back many “Hahaha”‘s and she replied, “That’s sooo not funny!” I told her that actually, it was hilarious, and that humour is a much needed remedy to what I’ve been feeling. She accepted that her response was appropriate and we went on our separate ways.

But I knew I had to write about that. Strength in difficult times is a misnomer. I don’t survive each day because I’m strong. I survive because I don’t have another option. It takes a lot of work to function, and being “strong” doesn’t make it easier. I don’t get it. Am I strong because I don’t fall to pieces whenever I think about my fathers absence from my life? Or thinking about the peril that M might and most likely will face? No. I bust my ass to behave normally while processing all of this internally.

Which brings me to another subject.

After Dad died I also used anger to get me through difficult emotions. Lately, surprisingly, and without my notice, I’ve started using apathy. This calm cool exterior that nothing can phase. It certainly doesn’t feel like apathy inside my head or my heart, but I’m actually beginning to fear that I may be giving M the wrong message. Which makes me overcompensate in the areas of affection, and then also anger. The mood swings have been violently shifting between indifference, affection and pissed-the-fuck-off. So much for handling this well…

M and I have both been in a foul mood today. Then M took me out to dinner to cheer me up. I ate poutine. Then I had ice cream. And on top of it I skipped cross fit.
J5 and I were talking about our bad/emotional eating habits on our walk tonight and I said, “another 3 weeks of talking about eating healthier and we might be ready to actually do it!”.

I’m going to let myself slip down this spiral just a little further. And then I’m going to bust my ass to pull myself out with never seen before determination and fury. Give me 3 weeks.

h&v