I inadvertently did a countdown in my head. I’m trying not to think about how much time “we have left” because it’s stressful and morbid and annoying. M leaves on Thursday to head back to the home province to “say goodbye” and whatnot with friends and family. He’ll be back the following Thursday, and leaves that Monday, giving us a whopping 4 days together prior to deployment.
I almost don’t believe it’s happening. It feels just like every other field ex, course, whatever that takes him away from me. I said to him the other night that I’m happy we haven’t been fighting, since that’s what the pre-deployment psychology states is going to happen. He thinks that we’re above all of that and I want to believe him. Part of me thinks that I’m just that good at denial.
We talk constantly about what we will do next year. We’ve already decided that we will drive to the new posting, making our way to Alberta on the first day to stay in Calgary before we head to destination on the prescribed day. He’s said a few times now that he can’t believe he’s leaving in a few days since his heart and mind have already returned from tour. I wonder if that will make this harder on him and I hope not. I’ve been looking forward for the last 9 months or so, since we first got notice that he was going over. I remember refusing to start the countdown to posting at 17 months. Now we’re looking at 8 and I still refuse to start it.
I’m waiting for him to come home safely. I’m waiting for the posting message. I’m waiting for everything to be like it was today, but one year in the future.
I found this helpful. Humour is valuable in my life right now. It will be even more so once M leaves since he’s my main source of entertainment and hilarity.
When I re-read this, it sounds sad to me. It sounds like I’m sad. I’m not. Today was a great day – we cleaned the house together, napped together, went to dinner with friends, laughed a lot, co-existed as usual. He is a good person and we have a great life together. I guess I sound sad because of this fear that it could all end.
I despise and reject the possibility.
h&v
