hi there

So it’s been a few days. I’ve had some thoughts over the past week, and every time I was in front of my computer those thoughts were strangely missing.

I’ve been hearing a lot from  M. He emails me at least once a day, and has sent several pics of the camp. The strangest part has been how happy he sounds. Its a comfort to me, because when he’s unhappy on ex it makes my time harder, because of feelings of helplessness. His relative happiness over there is making my time easier here. It’s hard facing down 6 months of this, but I know so many good things will be happening within those 6 months that it makes the time a little easier to face.

Good thing #1!! My mother and sister are coming to visit me!! They’ll arrive in the Capital the day before Halloween, so I will be touring them around on Halloween!! My facebook status was in regards to the snow that was blowing around, and my sister had a less than favourable response. Hahah! They told us we would get 30cm (1′) last night, but of course that never happened. Stupid weather people. This province couldn’t accurately tell the weather to save their lives!

Good thing #2. I’ve been stressing a LOT about M’s HLTA, because I was having to plan both airfares and destination, but M has just informed me that the clerk at his camp will do everything for us, as long as I give him the correct information! I’m also thinking about taking longer. M leaves camp prior to his actual HLTA dates, which would leave him a week on his own before I arrive. So I’m thinking of leaving 5 days earlier. I can take advantage of another weekend, and see my dearest for longer than planned.

Good thing #3. Home Province for New Years!! I’m planning my return flight to the Home Province vice the Capital, so that way I can see my friends and fam a little.

So those are the immediate things. Other changes in the future have happened as well. It doesn’t look like I’ll be going to South Africa anymore this late winter/early spring, as it turns out my cousin is getting married in November in the Dominican. M wants to attend (!!?! I think the heat has fried his brain which allowed him to forget that he hates weddings!), and I don’t think I can do 3 big trips within the span of a year. It also takes off a load of financial stress not having to worry about airfare to SA. Or the amount of time off I’d have to take (that I don’t have!)

I received the photos from the professional shoot last weekend, and literally spent my time mooning over them. They’re fantastic. So many of them are just perfect. There’s one in particular taken in front of an old warehouse, I want to frame it in the living room (even though I was only JOKING when I said I was going to frame one of our photos in the giant frame in the living room), it’s more artsy than mushy, so I think it will be okay. Plus, the colours of the warehouse match the colours of our living room :)

So, inspired by the mooning was a heightened sense of the Love that I feel for M. Plus the emails he’s been sending, I’ve been feeling very connected to him. I’m still vaguely emotionally unstable, but the precipice on which I balance has become less pronounced. A rolling hill versus a cliff.

Speaking of emotional stability, I went out with Sr last night to a tiny community that was hosting an Irish band. When we looked at the list of cities they toured in, we were like, “why the FUCK would they pick this place?”  2 hours from the base, not in the direction of any great city! Literally the middle of nowhere. However, we did have the best Chinese food either of us have consumed in this province, oddly enough. Considering the huge level of immigration to the city adjacent the base, the Chinese food there SUCKS.
The show was good, and as I told Sr after the show, the Music Appreciation nights M and I have where he forces me to listen to the Dubliners probably helped. I did feel a smug superiority (as a Scot) when the Uillean pipe player was discussing differences between the Uillean (or Irish) Pipes and the traditional Scottish Bagpipes. This is a constant and amusing tension that is generally present in my relationship with M. He is Very Irish and Very British (father born in Belfast, mother born somewhere in England), and I claim to be Very Scottish, even though that part of my heritage is more diluted than I knew (until recently). We’re in a constant battle of “who is better”.

Wow, so I totally digressed from the introductory sentence of “speaking of emotional stability”. The whole thing was supposed to be a revisiting of the conversation I had with Sr when I first discovered the dissolving of her marriage, about how angry I am, all the time. She had been discussing her anger management classes (as she works with the incarcerated and recently released), and I had asked for tips. On the drive back to the base I had mentioned to her that recently I realized I haven’t been angry in a while. Not unjustifiably angry, anyway. And the apathy I had written about before isn’t there anymore either. I think it may be possible that I finally moved beyond that step in the grieving process. I haven’t felt a shred of anger towards M regarding his leaving (i.e. abandoning me). I haven’t even felt apathy. I’ve felt sadness, fear, excitement, but nothing that didn’t belong.
I think I’ll just skip the remaining three steps :)

So today my plans kind of got shit canned. Sg and I were supposed to get together with her neighbour for a waffle breakfast, then take a jaunt to the local provincial park where there’s supposedly a haunted house. Sg slept in, didn’t give me details as to todays timings, and stood her neighbour up. So I’m trying to decide whether to head to town to pick up some weather stripping for the doors, plastic for the windows and some caulking (I need to caulk the baseboards, there’s an awful draft in here, and we determined that’s where it came from last year), or head to work to do some overtime so I can take a day off when my mom and sis come.
Tonight I’m either heading in to town to see Zombieland with Sg, or Couples Retreat with Ts.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving with L and Tg, as Tg’s husband leaves at o’ dark stupid that night/next morning. Then Monday is Thanksgiving with J5 and her family, which should be good. Her husband is Polish and apparently loves fish dishes, so win for me :)

I know there’s more in me. I’ve been over-scheduling myself, which leaves me with an anxiety about not writing. I’m planning on partaking in NoJoMo as I did last year, so you’ll hear more from me  more regularly, soon enough.

h&v

the pretender

Sometimes you’re talking, chatting, musing with someone and something falls out of your mouth/off the tips of your fingers that is so True, you have to stop and wonder at it.

I called an old work friend from back home. Let her know M was departing. She was there for the beginning, she gave us her blessing and has been one of the few, surprisingly, to keep in touch despite distance. After chatting with her for a while I facebook chatted with another old coworker from the same company. As we were chatting I put it out there that “going with the flow” was the way of the military spouse. She replied, “I guess so… I don’t know how you do it… you’re so strong“.

I’ve written many times about how much I hate that word. But today I think I nailed the reason why. I said to her, in explanation of why I hate being called strong (and I quote), “ever since Dad died, and people called me “strong”, its weird. It’s like people don’t understand the effort it takes to behave normally in the face of grief, in dad’s case, or sheer panic in the case of M…”
The greatest part was, this ex-co-worker of mine is a chatty one. The entirety of her response was, “Wow… this has never happened before. I’m literally speechless.” I sent back many “Hahaha”‘s and she replied, “That’s sooo not funny!” I told her that actually, it was hilarious, and that humour is a much needed remedy to what I’ve been feeling. She accepted that her response was appropriate and we went on our separate ways.

But I knew I had to write about that. Strength in difficult times is a misnomer. I don’t survive each day because I’m strong. I survive because I don’t have another option. It takes a lot of work to function, and being “strong” doesn’t make it easier. I don’t get it. Am I strong because I don’t fall to pieces whenever I think about my fathers absence from my life? Or thinking about the peril that M might and most likely will face? No. I bust my ass to behave normally while processing all of this internally.

Which brings me to another subject.

After Dad died I also used anger to get me through difficult emotions. Lately, surprisingly, and without my notice, I’ve started using apathy. This calm cool exterior that nothing can phase. It certainly doesn’t feel like apathy inside my head or my heart, but I’m actually beginning to fear that I may be giving M the wrong message. Which makes me overcompensate in the areas of affection, and then also anger. The mood swings have been violently shifting between indifference, affection and pissed-the-fuck-off. So much for handling this well…

M and I have both been in a foul mood today. Then M took me out to dinner to cheer me up. I ate poutine. Then I had ice cream. And on top of it I skipped cross fit.
J5 and I were talking about our bad/emotional eating habits on our walk tonight and I said, “another 3 weeks of talking about eating healthier and we might be ready to actually do it!”.

I’m going to let myself slip down this spiral just a little further. And then I’m going to bust my ass to pull myself out with never seen before determination and fury. Give me 3 weeks.

h&v