economic downturn (my ass)

As of December 1 2009, I will no longer be an employee of The Big Bad Relocation Company.

Today has been slightly epic for me. A lot has happened. Let me tell you:

So I arrived at work before my boss and the Regional Manager arrived. Once they did, they almost immediately got down to business. I had enough opportunity to tell my boss that I was not feeling well (the Chinese food did a number on my guts in the middle of the night and I hadn’t quite recovered), and she said we’d discuss that once we had our conversation. I should have known then.

We sat down and the RM went over the national call from last Thursday and immediately notified me that I was being “let go”. I started to grin. The RM continued to discuss my options and stress that it had nothing to do with performance, blah blah blah. I was a little shocked, a little pissed, but mostly HUGELY amused that the company thinks that our office can survive with fewer people when we can’t even survive with the staff we have. I was all out smiling by the time she was done, and I looked to my boss and the expression on her face was priceless. She knew what I was thinking, I knew what she was thinking, but the RM had no idea.
So the RM says to me, “you’re taking this very well”. I told her that it gave me an opportunity to take a much needed vacation and go back to the home province to reconnect with friends and family and what not. I then made it very clear that I was certainly not feeling sorry for myself, that quitting this job was high on my to-do list, and that I felt most sorry for the girls I’m leaving behind.
I then also told her that if there’s an opportunity in one of her offices I would like to keep my clean record and maybe work for them again. The office I would like to transfer to used to have a staffing number of 15. They are currently staffed with 8, and, for example, are at least 3 months behind on claims (which are supposed to be done within 3 weeks according to contractual obligations with the Government of Canada). Then she dropped this gem: Corporate has reassessed that office and determined that they are at maximum staffing capacity.

Thank fuck I’m getting out.

So the catch is that I can quit at any time, with no bonus or strings attached. If I stay until December 1st, they will pay me 3 weeks severance. On top of that, I have accumulated vacation pay. So technically I should be fine, pay wise, until January.

The current plan is to return to the home province the weekend prior to Dec 1 (which is a Monday, and I was told I didn’t have to come in that day). I will drive, and take my handsome kitty with me. I haven’t devised where we will live (as my mom is not pet-friendly). I don’t know whether or not I will work.

They sent me home after the meeting to “think about my options”. It’s pretty much a no-brainer that I’ll take the 3 weeks severance. I immediately called my mother, who I’d given a heads-up on last Thursdays meeting and the tentative plan to go back to the home province. I spoke to my sister briefly, but got a call from M in the middle. We discussed what was going to happen.

I got really mad at him because he was going on about not blowing all his tour money and blah blah blah, and I said to him that he was being insensitive, and that he’s not allowed to get upset with me over this because I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING. He has some deep seated issue with women blowing their partners’ money on frivolous things (happens a lot while on tour), meanwhile I don’t even have access to his tour money!! And existing isn’t a frivolity. And I didn’t choose to get laid off.
He apologized then, saying he didn’t want to sound like he doesn’t have faith that I can get through this.
We discussed how this will affect the tour, and he got irritated with my wanting to change my origin from the Capital to the capital of the home province. He said it would screw up payment of benefits and yadda yadda, so I told him I would immediately go in to talk to the deployment services people. And I did. And they said there would be no problem what so ever.

I spent the rest of the day bouncing around. I came home for lunch and 2 episodes of Lie to Me. I went into town for some groceries. I met up with C – who I haven’t seen since our mens deployment – and we made plans for dinner. Which turned into dinner, a trip to Future Shop, me introducing her to Lie to Me, and then cross fit. We have plans for Wednesday to do something similar.

I need to get to bed. It’s been a hell of a day. I miss M, I’ve lost my job, and god damnit I have a love/hate relationship with squats!

Good night.

h&v

could be better

So I’ve been disliking my job for a while now. I love what I do, but the workload and expectations our company has for us peons is ludicrous. I honestly don’t understand how they believe we don’t require additional staff when they say our file count should be 85-100 each, meanwhile I have 200+ files in my name. And many more that I’m not even getting credit for.

In day dreaming about how to make my life better, I thought of quitting my job and returning to the home province for the second half of M’s tour. Sounds delightful, to me.

After a national call from Corporate, it looks like that might even be possible. With severance pay.

Apparently we are undergoing “restructuring”. That might mean absolutely nothing to our office. It might mean that I get laid off. I don’t know until Monday (thanks for ruining my weekend! Fuckers!). I’m the lowest on the totem pole, and they said people with most tenure/experience would stay. If they are dumb enough to get rid of one of us, then I’d be the one to leave. Even if I wasn’t, I’d likely offer it to save someone else’s job. If I leave under good terms now, instead of quitting, I’d be in a better position to beg for a job once we get posted.

Anyway. I’m sure I’ll post again on Monday. Hopefully I don’t get pissed off enough to walk out.

Tonight Sg and Ts and I are heading to the Capital for some girl time. I’m hoping to see the movie Paranormal Activity while we’re there, either Friday or Saturday night. Plus copious amounts of shopping with the back TD pay I recently received for playing a few gigs with the Pipe Band. I love free money!!

Hi ho.

h&v

hi there

So it’s been a few days. I’ve had some thoughts over the past week, and every time I was in front of my computer those thoughts were strangely missing.

I’ve been hearing a lot from  M. He emails me at least once a day, and has sent several pics of the camp. The strangest part has been how happy he sounds. Its a comfort to me, because when he’s unhappy on ex it makes my time harder, because of feelings of helplessness. His relative happiness over there is making my time easier here. It’s hard facing down 6 months of this, but I know so many good things will be happening within those 6 months that it makes the time a little easier to face.

Good thing #1!! My mother and sister are coming to visit me!! They’ll arrive in the Capital the day before Halloween, so I will be touring them around on Halloween!! My facebook status was in regards to the snow that was blowing around, and my sister had a less than favourable response. Hahah! They told us we would get 30cm (1′) last night, but of course that never happened. Stupid weather people. This province couldn’t accurately tell the weather to save their lives!

Good thing #2. I’ve been stressing a LOT about M’s HLTA, because I was having to plan both airfares and destination, but M has just informed me that the clerk at his camp will do everything for us, as long as I give him the correct information! I’m also thinking about taking longer. M leaves camp prior to his actual HLTA dates, which would leave him a week on his own before I arrive. So I’m thinking of leaving 5 days earlier. I can take advantage of another weekend, and see my dearest for longer than planned.

Good thing #3. Home Province for New Years!! I’m planning my return flight to the Home Province vice the Capital, so that way I can see my friends and fam a little.

So those are the immediate things. Other changes in the future have happened as well. It doesn’t look like I’ll be going to South Africa anymore this late winter/early spring, as it turns out my cousin is getting married in November in the Dominican. M wants to attend (!!?! I think the heat has fried his brain which allowed him to forget that he hates weddings!), and I don’t think I can do 3 big trips within the span of a year. It also takes off a load of financial stress not having to worry about airfare to SA. Or the amount of time off I’d have to take (that I don’t have!)

I received the photos from the professional shoot last weekend, and literally spent my time mooning over them. They’re fantastic. So many of them are just perfect. There’s one in particular taken in front of an old warehouse, I want to frame it in the living room (even though I was only JOKING when I said I was going to frame one of our photos in the giant frame in the living room), it’s more artsy than mushy, so I think it will be okay. Plus, the colours of the warehouse match the colours of our living room :)

So, inspired by the mooning was a heightened sense of the Love that I feel for M. Plus the emails he’s been sending, I’ve been feeling very connected to him. I’m still vaguely emotionally unstable, but the precipice on which I balance has become less pronounced. A rolling hill versus a cliff.

Speaking of emotional stability, I went out with Sr last night to a tiny community that was hosting an Irish band. When we looked at the list of cities they toured in, we were like, “why the FUCK would they pick this place?”  2 hours from the base, not in the direction of any great city! Literally the middle of nowhere. However, we did have the best Chinese food either of us have consumed in this province, oddly enough. Considering the huge level of immigration to the city adjacent the base, the Chinese food there SUCKS.
The show was good, and as I told Sr after the show, the Music Appreciation nights M and I have where he forces me to listen to the Dubliners probably helped. I did feel a smug superiority (as a Scot) when the Uillean pipe player was discussing differences between the Uillean (or Irish) Pipes and the traditional Scottish Bagpipes. This is a constant and amusing tension that is generally present in my relationship with M. He is Very Irish and Very British (father born in Belfast, mother born somewhere in England), and I claim to be Very Scottish, even though that part of my heritage is more diluted than I knew (until recently). We’re in a constant battle of “who is better”.

Wow, so I totally digressed from the introductory sentence of “speaking of emotional stability”. The whole thing was supposed to be a revisiting of the conversation I had with Sr when I first discovered the dissolving of her marriage, about how angry I am, all the time. She had been discussing her anger management classes (as she works with the incarcerated and recently released), and I had asked for tips. On the drive back to the base I had mentioned to her that recently I realized I haven’t been angry in a while. Not unjustifiably angry, anyway. And the apathy I had written about before isn’t there anymore either. I think it may be possible that I finally moved beyond that step in the grieving process. I haven’t felt a shred of anger towards M regarding his leaving (i.e. abandoning me). I haven’t even felt apathy. I’ve felt sadness, fear, excitement, but nothing that didn’t belong.
I think I’ll just skip the remaining three steps :)

So today my plans kind of got shit canned. Sg and I were supposed to get together with her neighbour for a waffle breakfast, then take a jaunt to the local provincial park where there’s supposedly a haunted house. Sg slept in, didn’t give me details as to todays timings, and stood her neighbour up. So I’m trying to decide whether to head to town to pick up some weather stripping for the doors, plastic for the windows and some caulking (I need to caulk the baseboards, there’s an awful draft in here, and we determined that’s where it came from last year), or head to work to do some overtime so I can take a day off when my mom and sis come.
Tonight I’m either heading in to town to see Zombieland with Sg, or Couples Retreat with Ts.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving with L and Tg, as Tg’s husband leaves at o’ dark stupid that night/next morning. Then Monday is Thanksgiving with J5 and her family, which should be good. Her husband is Polish and apparently loves fish dishes, so win for me :)

I know there’s more in me. I’ve been over-scheduling myself, which leaves me with an anxiety about not writing. I’m planning on partaking in NoJoMo as I did last year, so you’ll hear more from me  more regularly, soon enough.

h&v

rusted from the rain

I realized something today, while being introspective on the drive to my bosses house after work. M needs a hobby. If, heaven forbid, we were to stay here after tour, he needs to do something that gets him out of the house. I have grocery shopping, I have the nightly walks, I have band weekly, and I have “girls brunch and a movie” dates every so often. He. Never. Leaves. The. House.

We’d discussed this once in the year and a half we’ve lived together, and he said that he goes away enough, so he gets dibs on staying home if he so chooses. That’s fine, when he’s going away semi-regularly. But today I breathed a sigh of relief that I get to come back to my house and be quiet instead of being whatever version of “on” I am around him.

Army wives regularly recognize the perks of having a partner who is away a lot (you have to, or you’d drown in the suckage). I just didn’t realize that this particular perk is actually a necessity.

* * *

By the way, still no contact from M. I’ve sent 3 emails, in the meantime…

* * *

If I had an iPod, there would be four songs on repeat:

rusted from the rain by Billy Talent – this song is full of great one liners. For example “I used to be a lapdog, now I’m just a stray”, or perhaps, “If I’m the king of cowards, you’re the queen of pain”.

notion by Kings of Leon – I have liked everything this band has released (on this shithole’s local radio, anyway). So I downloaded the discography. I intend on indulging in some Music Appreciation this weekend to grow this new Love.

she’s a genius by Jet - Again, I’m familiar with the singles, but I Love this song, and the video is pretty good.

ain’t no rest for the wicked by Cage the Elephant – I’d never heard of this band until this song. But I’m their newest biggest fan now :)

* * *

One of my close friends here, L, is going through some serious shit with her husband. To the point where I may acquire a temporary room mate. I feel like an asshole, because I disappeared for a while with M’s deployment, and then I find out this transpired. Apparently every single one of her girlfriends’ partners is being deployed, so she’s suffered in silence. Yep. Here’s me sucking as a friend again. *sigh*

On a different front, one of the infamous four, Ls, messaged me on Facebook to comment on the pro photo that I posted as our profile pic. We got to talking. Then we talked some more. I went out for my walk, and asked her if she’d be around when I got back. We then talked til 11.30pm, when I forced myself to go so I could sleep. It was… surprising… because, as usual, I thought I’d written “them” off, and here I was chatting with her and feeling the distance. It’s not often I feel the distance with anyone from the home province. There’s a lot of relief that I’m so far removed from the drama that seems to flourish there. But here I found myself missing her.
It’s easy to write people off when you live 2500 kms away from them. Heh.

I wonder what our destination will be come next posting season.
There had fucking better be one.

PTP.

h&v

In short:

Last night while walking with J5, I received a text from M. it said:

“Now that we’ve started hugging more lately, I find that I’m missing it some. Heh. Xoxo!”

J5 was talking while I read the text and I let out an involuntary, high pitched, “Oh!” of surprise and joy and a little bit of sadness. She asked me if it was a text from M, and I explained and read it to her. I started to cry.

One of the least compatible things about M and I is that I’m hyper affectionate. He’s completely not. He always tells me (and his mother confirms) that he didn’t even like being held as a baby.

So yeah, hugging for the Win!

I want him back now, please.

h&v

ill equipped

M left this morning for his whirlwind tour of “home”. I hope it goes better for him than he anticipates.

Last night included some serious sexin’. We’ve had the conversation a few times now that we don’t “make love”, we fuck. We like it hard and fast. But in those rare moments of a long or unknown farewell, we get about as close to making love as we ever would. We call it ‘the slow fuck’.

Last night’s slow fuck was near perfection. Well, they all are, really. M is not an intuitively emotional sort of person, pretty serious things have to happen before he shows his feelings outwardly. But when we’re slow fucking, I know exactly how he feels about me.

On a sort of side note. I know he’s getting emotional about the parting as well. He’s been kissing my head. That in itself is a hint, but the frequency is something entirely more telling.

I don’t have much else. I’m working this Saturday in lieu of getting next Friday off. I’m picking up M in the Capital, and then we’re going to spend the night and have some sexin’ and enjoy the city some before heading back to the base to spend the rest of the weekend trying not to burst into tears.

Oh, we also found out from a friend whose husband is deploying with M, that the chalk is leaving at 6pm. I was really looking forward to a morning farewell, then sitting watching my favourite movies (Bridget Jones’ Diary, Stranger than Fiction, and Love Actually were on the list), in my pajamas, and eating breakfast foods for each meal.

Nothing like an emotional enema.

I’m really starting to feel ill equipped for this. And no, I don’t want to talk about it.

h&v

the pretender

Sometimes you’re talking, chatting, musing with someone and something falls out of your mouth/off the tips of your fingers that is so True, you have to stop and wonder at it.

I called an old work friend from back home. Let her know M was departing. She was there for the beginning, she gave us her blessing and has been one of the few, surprisingly, to keep in touch despite distance. After chatting with her for a while I facebook chatted with another old coworker from the same company. As we were chatting I put it out there that “going with the flow” was the way of the military spouse. She replied, “I guess so… I don’t know how you do it… you’re so strong“.

I’ve written many times about how much I hate that word. But today I think I nailed the reason why. I said to her, in explanation of why I hate being called strong (and I quote), “ever since Dad died, and people called me “strong”, its weird. It’s like people don’t understand the effort it takes to behave normally in the face of grief, in dad’s case, or sheer panic in the case of M…”
The greatest part was, this ex-co-worker of mine is a chatty one. The entirety of her response was, “Wow… this has never happened before. I’m literally speechless.” I sent back many “Hahaha”‘s and she replied, “That’s sooo not funny!” I told her that actually, it was hilarious, and that humour is a much needed remedy to what I’ve been feeling. She accepted that her response was appropriate and we went on our separate ways.

But I knew I had to write about that. Strength in difficult times is a misnomer. I don’t survive each day because I’m strong. I survive because I don’t have another option. It takes a lot of work to function, and being “strong” doesn’t make it easier. I don’t get it. Am I strong because I don’t fall to pieces whenever I think about my fathers absence from my life? Or thinking about the peril that M might and most likely will face? No. I bust my ass to behave normally while processing all of this internally.

Which brings me to another subject.

After Dad died I also used anger to get me through difficult emotions. Lately, surprisingly, and without my notice, I’ve started using apathy. This calm cool exterior that nothing can phase. It certainly doesn’t feel like apathy inside my head or my heart, but I’m actually beginning to fear that I may be giving M the wrong message. Which makes me overcompensate in the areas of affection, and then also anger. The mood swings have been violently shifting between indifference, affection and pissed-the-fuck-off. So much for handling this well…

M and I have both been in a foul mood today. Then M took me out to dinner to cheer me up. I ate poutine. Then I had ice cream. And on top of it I skipped cross fit.
J5 and I were talking about our bad/emotional eating habits on our walk tonight and I said, “another 3 weeks of talking about eating healthier and we might be ready to actually do it!”.

I’m going to let myself slip down this spiral just a little further. And then I’m going to bust my ass to pull myself out with never seen before determination and fury. Give me 3 weeks.

h&v