economic downturn (my ass)

As of December 1 2009, I will no longer be an employee of The Big Bad Relocation Company.

Today has been slightly epic for me. A lot has happened. Let me tell you:

So I arrived at work before my boss and the Regional Manager arrived. Once they did, they almost immediately got down to business. I had enough opportunity to tell my boss that I was not feeling well (the Chinese food did a number on my guts in the middle of the night and I hadn’t quite recovered), and she said we’d discuss that once we had our conversation. I should have known then.

We sat down and the RM went over the national call from last Thursday and immediately notified me that I was being “let go”. I started to grin. The RM continued to discuss my options and stress that it had nothing to do with performance, blah blah blah. I was a little shocked, a little pissed, but mostly HUGELY amused that the company thinks that our office can survive with fewer people when we can’t even survive with the staff we have. I was all out smiling by the time she was done, and I looked to my boss and the expression on her face was priceless. She knew what I was thinking, I knew what she was thinking, but the RM had no idea.
So the RM says to me, “you’re taking this very well”. I told her that it gave me an opportunity to take a much needed vacation and go back to the home province to reconnect with friends and family and what not. I then made it very clear that I was certainly not feeling sorry for myself, that quitting this job was high on my to-do list, and that I felt most sorry for the girls I’m leaving behind.
I then also told her that if there’s an opportunity in one of her offices I would like to keep my clean record and maybe work for them again. The office I would like to transfer to used to have a staffing number of 15. They are currently staffed with 8, and, for example, are at least 3 months behind on claims (which are supposed to be done within 3 weeks according to contractual obligations with the Government of Canada). Then she dropped this gem: Corporate has reassessed that office and determined that they are at maximum staffing capacity.

Thank fuck I’m getting out.

So the catch is that I can quit at any time, with no bonus or strings attached. If I stay until December 1st, they will pay me 3 weeks severance. On top of that, I have accumulated vacation pay. So technically I should be fine, pay wise, until January.

The current plan is to return to the home province the weekend prior to Dec 1 (which is a Monday, and I was told I didn’t have to come in that day). I will drive, and take my handsome kitty with me. I haven’t devised where we will live (as my mom is not pet-friendly). I don’t know whether or not I will work.

They sent me home after the meeting to “think about my options”. It’s pretty much a no-brainer that I’ll take the 3 weeks severance. I immediately called my mother, who I’d given a heads-up on last Thursdays meeting and the tentative plan to go back to the home province. I spoke to my sister briefly, but got a call from M in the middle. We discussed what was going to happen.

I got really mad at him because he was going on about not blowing all his tour money and blah blah blah, and I said to him that he was being insensitive, and that he’s not allowed to get upset with me over this because I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING. He has some deep seated issue with women blowing their partners’ money on frivolous things (happens a lot while on tour), meanwhile I don’t even have access to his tour money!! And existing isn’t a frivolity. And I didn’t choose to get laid off.
He apologized then, saying he didn’t want to sound like he doesn’t have faith that I can get through this.
We discussed how this will affect the tour, and he got irritated with my wanting to change my origin from the Capital to the capital of the home province. He said it would screw up payment of benefits and yadda yadda, so I told him I would immediately go in to talk to the deployment services people. And I did. And they said there would be no problem what so ever.

I spent the rest of the day bouncing around. I came home for lunch and 2 episodes of Lie to Me. I went into town for some groceries. I met up with C – who I haven’t seen since our mens deployment – and we made plans for dinner. Which turned into dinner, a trip to Future Shop, me introducing her to Lie to Me, and then cross fit. We have plans for Wednesday to do something similar.

I need to get to bed. It’s been a hell of a day. I miss M, I’ve lost my job, and god damnit I have a love/hate relationship with squats!

Good night.

h&v

hopes and fears

I’ve been concerned about myself because I haven’t really cried since M left. There was the brief moment after his first phone call, but nothing since then. I’ve been on the verge the whole time, but I can’t seem to quite get there.
While speculating over this, this morning, I think I may have figured out why. I really have nothing to cry about. He’s safe. He’s in a camp. He’s having a good time so far. Yes I miss him, but it’s not that agonizing ache of absence. I’m confident in our future. I’m excited for what comes next. Despite this place, life really can’t get much better, given his vocation.

It was really funny last night on the drive home from the Capital. Ts said she’d bought a book on this province, and jokingly I said, “why the hell would you do something like that!?” and she said with as much frustration in her tone as was in mine moments before, “There’s gotta be SOMETHING for us to do here!” Haha. I like her.

I had some mixed feelings on our girls weekend. I like Sg. She’s good-intentioned, for the most part. But she can be surprisingly vindictive and cruel. She referred to me as a bitch a number of times. Not as an insult, really, even though it felt like one, I understood what she was trying to get at. But it makes me wonder what I did to her to give her the impression that I’m a bitch. Granted I like who I like and the rest can fall away for all I care, but I like to think that I’m more of a good person than a cruel one.

She, on the other hand, hates many people and complains about them. A lot. Repeatedly. Ad Nauseum. I know she has learning disabilities and, if I remember correctly, ADHD which colour her personality, and I try to determine whether it’s those factors that cause her to behave in these peculiar ways. I try not to judge her for it. But when you’ve heard the same story 6 times in 24 hours about how her coworker has wronged her, you stop trying to be accommodating of her feelings.

Then there’s the issue of my neighbour. I wrote (and promptly deleted) a blurb, in the midst of the annoyance, of how… simply disturbing these people are. They scream at their infant when he cries. They leave their new puppy alone all day and all he does is bark and whine, outside. To the point where this summer I had to keep the front windows closed so I didn’t hear as much of the barking, screaming and crying.
Apparently they let their 4 year old hold their infant, whilst standing at the top of the stairs, and surprise surprise, she dropped him down a flight of stairs.
Then there’s the wife. She was doing cross fit with us, until she had such a severe asthma attack that she was rushed to the hospital via ambulance. When you weigh 380 lbs (she told us) and have severe asthma, you cannot do vigorous activity without there being some risk. I would guess that at 380 lbs even without asthma, that weight loss should be physician supported, directed, supervised. That physical exercise should be gradual. She has a hard enough time walking, cross fit shouldn’t even be a consideration.

She is – and this is my own judgement here – incredibly stupid and annoying. The husband is mostly absent from the picture (hides in the house all day, or goes to work), so I have no opinion or regard for him.
My method of dealing with my neighbours is to ignore their existence. This method works for me. They don’t bother me this way.

Sg’s  job is occasional child care on the base. She has to deal with my neighbours a lot. She had to deal with the aftermath of the infant-falling-down-the-stairs incident. So granted, it’s a lot harder for her to ignore them. But seriously. Draw a fucking line. We almost had to leave a restaurant because I thought I saw the husband sitting in the bar area while we were waiting to be seated in the lounge, and Sg freaked out. Talk about letting your dislikes rule your life. Or ruin your day. When we saw them in the mall, she spent at least an hour talking about how bad it would have been if they’d seen her. I know they won’t approach me (because I’m not exactly covert in my ignoring them. We live directly across the street from one another, we have mutual acquaintances). They didn’t approach her. Call it a close call and move on!!

Still the weekend was good, despite these annoyances. We arrived in the Capital before 10. We stopped at a liqueur store and a drug store. When we arrived at the hotel Sg and I immediately donned our bathing suits and took a few trips down the water slide and sat in the hot tub. Then we proceeded to talk (and they, drink) into the wee hours of the morning. I got up in the middle of the night to pee, and Sg went in immediately after me. I went back to bed, falling asleep almost immediately. I woke up again a little bit later (as is my annoying custom), and noticed she wasn’t in the bed. I figured only a few minutes had passed and fell back asleep. I woke up again and she still wasn’t in bed. The light was still on in the bathroom. I went over (near-panicked that something was wrong), and when I knocked there was no answer. So I tried top open the door, but it jarred against her foot. Fortunately when the door knocked her foot, she woke up. I asked her if she was okay, and she said yes. I asked her why she was on the floor, and she muttered, “cold”. Hah. I left her there, went back to bed, and when I woke up the next morning she was back in bed.
To say the least, drinking a quarter of a bottle of rum, plus random glasses of wine was ill advised.

Breakfast was surprisingly disappointing for them, service was pretty terrible. I had Ambrosia French Toast which was french toast with cream cheese, banana and strawberries on it. It was delicious! Then the shopping began!

We didn’t make it to see Paranormal Activity. We did go see Zombieland for the second time. It was just as good the second time. I suspect, if it’s still in theaters out here, I will go a third when my mom and sister come. that would be fun :)

Today, cleaning house, heading to J3’s for a chinese buffet. Should be good times!

h&v

could be better

So I’ve been disliking my job for a while now. I love what I do, but the workload and expectations our company has for us peons is ludicrous. I honestly don’t understand how they believe we don’t require additional staff when they say our file count should be 85-100 each, meanwhile I have 200+ files in my name. And many more that I’m not even getting credit for.

In day dreaming about how to make my life better, I thought of quitting my job and returning to the home province for the second half of M’s tour. Sounds delightful, to me.

After a national call from Corporate, it looks like that might even be possible. With severance pay.

Apparently we are undergoing “restructuring”. That might mean absolutely nothing to our office. It might mean that I get laid off. I don’t know until Monday (thanks for ruining my weekend! Fuckers!). I’m the lowest on the totem pole, and they said people with most tenure/experience would stay. If they are dumb enough to get rid of one of us, then I’d be the one to leave. Even if I wasn’t, I’d likely offer it to save someone else’s job. If I leave under good terms now, instead of quitting, I’d be in a better position to beg for a job once we get posted.

Anyway. I’m sure I’ll post again on Monday. Hopefully I don’t get pissed off enough to walk out.

Tonight Sg and Ts and I are heading to the Capital for some girl time. I’m hoping to see the movie Paranormal Activity while we’re there, either Friday or Saturday night. Plus copious amounts of shopping with the back TD pay I recently received for playing a few gigs with the Pipe Band. I love free money!!

Hi ho.

h&v

Happy (Canadian) Thanks Giving

I would say “I wish M was here”, but I wouldn’t wish this place on anyone.

I wish M and I were together.

h&v

hi there

So it’s been a few days. I’ve had some thoughts over the past week, and every time I was in front of my computer those thoughts were strangely missing.

I’ve been hearing a lot from  M. He emails me at least once a day, and has sent several pics of the camp. The strangest part has been how happy he sounds. Its a comfort to me, because when he’s unhappy on ex it makes my time harder, because of feelings of helplessness. His relative happiness over there is making my time easier here. It’s hard facing down 6 months of this, but I know so many good things will be happening within those 6 months that it makes the time a little easier to face.

Good thing #1!! My mother and sister are coming to visit me!! They’ll arrive in the Capital the day before Halloween, so I will be touring them around on Halloween!! My facebook status was in regards to the snow that was blowing around, and my sister had a less than favourable response. Hahah! They told us we would get 30cm (1′) last night, but of course that never happened. Stupid weather people. This province couldn’t accurately tell the weather to save their lives!

Good thing #2. I’ve been stressing a LOT about M’s HLTA, because I was having to plan both airfares and destination, but M has just informed me that the clerk at his camp will do everything for us, as long as I give him the correct information! I’m also thinking about taking longer. M leaves camp prior to his actual HLTA dates, which would leave him a week on his own before I arrive. So I’m thinking of leaving 5 days earlier. I can take advantage of another weekend, and see my dearest for longer than planned.

Good thing #3. Home Province for New Years!! I’m planning my return flight to the Home Province vice the Capital, so that way I can see my friends and fam a little.

So those are the immediate things. Other changes in the future have happened as well. It doesn’t look like I’ll be going to South Africa anymore this late winter/early spring, as it turns out my cousin is getting married in November in the Dominican. M wants to attend (!!?! I think the heat has fried his brain which allowed him to forget that he hates weddings!), and I don’t think I can do 3 big trips within the span of a year. It also takes off a load of financial stress not having to worry about airfare to SA. Or the amount of time off I’d have to take (that I don’t have!)

I received the photos from the professional shoot last weekend, and literally spent my time mooning over them. They’re fantastic. So many of them are just perfect. There’s one in particular taken in front of an old warehouse, I want to frame it in the living room (even though I was only JOKING when I said I was going to frame one of our photos in the giant frame in the living room), it’s more artsy than mushy, so I think it will be okay. Plus, the colours of the warehouse match the colours of our living room :)

So, inspired by the mooning was a heightened sense of the Love that I feel for M. Plus the emails he’s been sending, I’ve been feeling very connected to him. I’m still vaguely emotionally unstable, but the precipice on which I balance has become less pronounced. A rolling hill versus a cliff.

Speaking of emotional stability, I went out with Sr last night to a tiny community that was hosting an Irish band. When we looked at the list of cities they toured in, we were like, “why the FUCK would they pick this place?”  2 hours from the base, not in the direction of any great city! Literally the middle of nowhere. However, we did have the best Chinese food either of us have consumed in this province, oddly enough. Considering the huge level of immigration to the city adjacent the base, the Chinese food there SUCKS.
The show was good, and as I told Sr after the show, the Music Appreciation nights M and I have where he forces me to listen to the Dubliners probably helped. I did feel a smug superiority (as a Scot) when the Uillean pipe player was discussing differences between the Uillean (or Irish) Pipes and the traditional Scottish Bagpipes. This is a constant and amusing tension that is generally present in my relationship with M. He is Very Irish and Very British (father born in Belfast, mother born somewhere in England), and I claim to be Very Scottish, even though that part of my heritage is more diluted than I knew (until recently). We’re in a constant battle of “who is better”.

Wow, so I totally digressed from the introductory sentence of “speaking of emotional stability”. The whole thing was supposed to be a revisiting of the conversation I had with Sr when I first discovered the dissolving of her marriage, about how angry I am, all the time. She had been discussing her anger management classes (as she works with the incarcerated and recently released), and I had asked for tips. On the drive back to the base I had mentioned to her that recently I realized I haven’t been angry in a while. Not unjustifiably angry, anyway. And the apathy I had written about before isn’t there anymore either. I think it may be possible that I finally moved beyond that step in the grieving process. I haven’t felt a shred of anger towards M regarding his leaving (i.e. abandoning me). I haven’t even felt apathy. I’ve felt sadness, fear, excitement, but nothing that didn’t belong.
I think I’ll just skip the remaining three steps :)

So today my plans kind of got shit canned. Sg and I were supposed to get together with her neighbour for a waffle breakfast, then take a jaunt to the local provincial park where there’s supposedly a haunted house. Sg slept in, didn’t give me details as to todays timings, and stood her neighbour up. So I’m trying to decide whether to head to town to pick up some weather stripping for the doors, plastic for the windows and some caulking (I need to caulk the baseboards, there’s an awful draft in here, and we determined that’s where it came from last year), or head to work to do some overtime so I can take a day off when my mom and sis come.
Tonight I’m either heading in to town to see Zombieland with Sg, or Couples Retreat with Ts.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving with L and Tg, as Tg’s husband leaves at o’ dark stupid that night/next morning. Then Monday is Thanksgiving with J5 and her family, which should be good. Her husband is Polish and apparently loves fish dishes, so win for me :)

I know there’s more in me. I’ve been over-scheduling myself, which leaves me with an anxiety about not writing. I’m planning on partaking in NoJoMo as I did last year, so you’ll hear more from me  more regularly, soon enough.

h&v

well, that sucked.

M called this morning. I asked where he was, not thinking. He said, “I’m where I should be”. He informed me that, “Italian women are hot… but they’re bitches!” I guess their stop over was in Milan, not that they could deplane. He said, “36 hours on a plane has given me stinky feet”. I had to laugh, because he’s always going on about how his feet don’t stink (because mine really really do).
Then he said he misses me. And loves me. And by the end of the phone call I was choking on my own throat trying to speak through the tears.

It was brief, but needed. Internet connection some time soon, maybe. And then trying to coordinate schedules so we can actually chat. He likes where he is (compared to where others are), and the “pool” is better than its reputation. He sounded good. Happy. My hopes are high, but the reality of the situation is keeping me in check.

I’m swinging between, “this is going to suck”, and “this won’t be so bad”.

Right now it feels pretty sucktastic.

Blah.

h&v

rusted from the rain

I realized something today, while being introspective on the drive to my bosses house after work. M needs a hobby. If, heaven forbid, we were to stay here after tour, he needs to do something that gets him out of the house. I have grocery shopping, I have the nightly walks, I have band weekly, and I have “girls brunch and a movie” dates every so often. He. Never. Leaves. The. House.

We’d discussed this once in the year and a half we’ve lived together, and he said that he goes away enough, so he gets dibs on staying home if he so chooses. That’s fine, when he’s going away semi-regularly. But today I breathed a sigh of relief that I get to come back to my house and be quiet instead of being whatever version of “on” I am around him.

Army wives regularly recognize the perks of having a partner who is away a lot (you have to, or you’d drown in the suckage). I just didn’t realize that this particular perk is actually a necessity.

* * *

By the way, still no contact from M. I’ve sent 3 emails, in the meantime…

* * *

If I had an iPod, there would be four songs on repeat:

rusted from the rain by Billy Talent – this song is full of great one liners. For example “I used to be a lapdog, now I’m just a stray”, or perhaps, “If I’m the king of cowards, you’re the queen of pain”.

notion by Kings of Leon – I have liked everything this band has released (on this shithole’s local radio, anyway). So I downloaded the discography. I intend on indulging in some Music Appreciation this weekend to grow this new Love.

she’s a genius by Jet - Again, I’m familiar with the singles, but I Love this song, and the video is pretty good.

ain’t no rest for the wicked by Cage the Elephant – I’d never heard of this band until this song. But I’m their newest biggest fan now :)

* * *

One of my close friends here, L, is going through some serious shit with her husband. To the point where I may acquire a temporary room mate. I feel like an asshole, because I disappeared for a while with M’s deployment, and then I find out this transpired. Apparently every single one of her girlfriends’ partners is being deployed, so she’s suffered in silence. Yep. Here’s me sucking as a friend again. *sigh*

On a different front, one of the infamous four, Ls, messaged me on Facebook to comment on the pro photo that I posted as our profile pic. We got to talking. Then we talked some more. I went out for my walk, and asked her if she’d be around when I got back. We then talked til 11.30pm, when I forced myself to go so I could sleep. It was… surprising… because, as usual, I thought I’d written “them” off, and here I was chatting with her and feeling the distance. It’s not often I feel the distance with anyone from the home province. There’s a lot of relief that I’m so far removed from the drama that seems to flourish there. But here I found myself missing her.
It’s easy to write people off when you live 2500 kms away from them. Heh.

I wonder what our destination will be come next posting season.
There had fucking better be one.

PTP.

h&v

the cat and I

So… well, M’s gone. Not much to say besides that. After he hopped on the bus, I headed to J3’s house with C. C’s fiance deployed with M and J3’s partner leaves in a few days. We all ate dinner together and chatted a little bit. More of a distraction from reality than anything else.

Haven’t had a big breakdown yet, but forcing it isn’t doing shit, so I’m going to settle down with a movie, and schedule myself an early bed time.

Here’s to an empty house, and cleaning up after the man I won’t see for 3 months. *sigh*

Like M has been saying. It’s just like another field ex… except with live ammunition.

h&v

t-22.5 hours

Still holding fast here on the homefront. My cousin St offered sage advise as an apprentice sommelier to choose the wine for tonight’s festivities. I had asked for a recommendation for white in the $40 range, which turned into a 20 minute conversation on a cell phone in the liquor store about regions and methods and all kinds of other stuff. We ended up with a French Chablis (Premier Cru). It’s nice, but I know nothing of wine. He said, near the end of the conversation, that he didn’t often buy $40 bottles of wine for pure drinking pleasure, but that he’d never had such an occasion. Come to think of it… it seems odd that an apprentice sommelier hasn’t drank a $40 bottle of wine for pleasure.

Today was pretty low key. Yesterday M found out that he had to have his kit packed for transport, he was expecting to have until Monday to do so. So while I was out walking, he was packing frantically. So today saw him cleaning up the back room (!!!), and packing the bag that will accompany him on the service flight.
I headed into town to grab sushi (which didn’t happen), the wine, and some munchies.

While waiting at a light backed up due to construction, I saw some guys my age holding a sign saying “traveling, broke & hungry, will accept anything you offer”. I had a bag of cookies in my car and as I was rooting around the bag to get them out, the light changed and traffic started moving. I didn’t have time to get the bag of cookies or my window open to give the bag to these two guys before I had to pull ahead. I have felt bad ever since, thinking I should have done more to help them out.

I don’t know how much longer this ’strength’ can hold up. I think things and I can feel the tears welling up. I force it back down, but then the next time I feel it welling up, it takes so much more effort to force it back down. Eventually I’ll let the dam break, but for the time being…

I got a sneak peek from our photographer yesterday. The photos are amazing! She’s only sent 8 or so, but they’re amazing and I can’t wait to see the rest of the set!

Here’s something. I don’t need people “awwww”ing and “poor you”ing at me because my partner’s going overseas. I’ve thought of the worst that can happen. Hell, M and I have discussed contingency plans for the worst that can happen. I don’t need, when waiting to see him off, anyone calling me saying “boo hoo, you must be so sad”. Yes, I’m sad. Yes, I’ll miss him. Yes, I’m worried for his safety. But this is his job,  this is the life that I’ve chosen with him. And this is where I’ll be waiting for him upon his safe return.

Now, just to focus on not holding my breath for the next 3 months.

Comon’ HLTA!

h&v

so good!

Wow. The last 24 hours have been… pretty spectacular. Home-coming is always great because it’s just an eye-opening reminder of how amazing I think M is. I’m sure anything I say will be written off as silly girl-emotions, but I’ve never been so consistently in awe of my partner as I am M.

Of course, something I haven’t written about was M’s proclivity of talking non-stop for hours after he returns from somewhere. This time, hilariously, he told me to tell him to stop, since his mother had just spent 5 days talking at him, non-stop. He went on about how annoying this habit was, and that he understands that he does the same. I told him that it’s part of the home-coming process, and that I love his non-stop chatter and ranting. And even his caveat didn’t stop the rapid-fire commentary on his week in the home province.

We stayed at the Fairmont, in their “gold level” accommodations, as with a military discount it didn’t make sense to take a standard king room. There were all kinds of swanky amenities that went along with it, but after the fucking that occurred, we weren’t inclined to put our clothes back on to partake in the cocktails-til-11pm, for example.
Fortunately, we DID partake in the stellar “Deluxe Continental” breakfast offered to Gold guests. Holy crap was it amazing – scrambled eggs with cheese and scallions, fresh delicious croissants, teensy ketchup bottles, cut up fruit, yogurt, tomatoes and cucumber with bocconcini and basil… the list goes on.
Checkout was noon, but after slowly getting ready, watching some clips on YouTube, and calling valet (!!!!)  to take our stuff to the car, we were out of the room just after 11am.

We wandered around downtown for an hour or so waiting for our appointment with the photographer. After some directional issues, we met up on a street corner in our preferred neighbourhood.  We discussed a little bit of what we were looking for. We’d said “nothing romantic”, but I guess we really meant nothing forced, or cheesy. We found a great doorway to a warehouse and used that for the first few shots, and then things just started to flow a little better from there. Apparently kissing was M’s favourite shot to take, because in almost every pose he kissed me. The photographer apparently noted M’s habit of brushing the hair off my face, and tried to use that in a few shots. We got some great pics at the riverfront, some against a wall of graffiti, in front of a parkade, on a construction site… she really took my comment that we are an “urban-style” couple seriously.
It was a lot of fun, and only took about 2 hours for the full shoot.

Afterwards, we were famished and roasting in the strange heat of late-September. We got the car out of valet, and drove to the italian restaurant across the river. We split some garlic/cheese bread and I had gnocchi with zucchini and goat cheese, and M had a meat lasagna. We had our usual entertainment of trashy people punching each other out on the street corner, and the fire trucks blasting out of the station across the road. Not to mention “the guy in the jacket” who was stoned off his face trying to get in the out door of the patio we were sitting on. Hah. The Capital is so trashy.

Afterwards we went to the Mall, where M spent $150 on books. I got another Post Secret book, and two novels. If anyone wants to send ME a care package, I’ll take your used books. My plan is to hibernate in alternate realities for the next 6 months, whilst sitting on a stationary bike or walking on a treadmill. Fuck the winter!!

Ahem. So after some major frustrations and minor shopping, and when the sun was low enough in the sky as to not blind us, we headed home.
We’ve been geeking out on our respective laptops since. And it’s quickly coming up on bed time.

h&v